Celebrity Jeopardy...I can handle that
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Giving Animals their medicine
I got this in an email today and thought it was hysterical!
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air
Saturday, April 05, 2008
OH ALEX
What a Tricky Trickster you are!
Oh how I hate this show. Unless of course it is teen week and I can get them before the smarty pants contestants!
Oh how I hate this show. Unless of course it is teen week and I can get them before the smarty pants contestants!
Friday, April 04, 2008
I Like Being Liked
When A new friend calls out of the blue for that first sometimes uncomfortable conversation, it always makes me so nervous. I guess I am backwards that way, but I get nervous about their conversation style as opposed to mine and if we will mesh. Anyway, My cousin is marrying a girl whom I JUST LOVE!!! She is super sweet, very artistic (she makes her own jewelry....what's not to like) She called me tonight about an email I sent last week asking people to keep C in their thoughts. She knew I was
having a bad week anyway b/c of seeing the eye specialist for cataracts and my routine follow up w/ my oncologist. All my news was good except for that bastard that hasn't had C call home. She asked me if I wanted to go with her to get fitted for her wedding dress! I teared up immediately (b/c I have the sickness) (My grandma would cry at commercials, movies, songs and say "I Have the Sickness") I am the exact same way. I cry over everything. Even things that make me happy! I was over the moon! SHE LIKES ME SHE REALLY LIKES ME!!! (And to boot I think she likes me better than the other cousins she is inheriting)! *pat pat* Just kidding....
but it is true! :)
having a bad week anyway b/c of seeing the eye specialist for cataracts and my routine follow up w/ my oncologist. All my news was good except for that bastard that hasn't had C call home. She asked me if I wanted to go with her to get fitted for her wedding dress! I teared up immediately (b/c I have the sickness) (My grandma would cry at commercials, movies, songs and say "I Have the Sickness") I am the exact same way. I cry over everything. Even things that make me happy! I was over the moon! SHE LIKES ME SHE REALLY LIKES ME!!! (And to boot I think she likes me better than the other cousins she is inheriting)! *pat pat* Just kidding....
but it is true! :)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Sniffles
This has been a rough week. C has been on Vacation with her Dad on a Cruise to Mexico. He hasn't had her call me, I know what you are all thinking "No News is Good News" but it just isn't normal for her to go a day with out talking to me. I thought he would at least have her call when they got to port, but no such luck. I miss her like crazy and that lead me to this....
MEET SNIFFLES
It was an accident....I saw a sign and thought it would cure my sadness. It may have but I think it is also further proof that I suffer not only from sadness, but complete and total Madness. INSANE I TELL YOU.....INSANE
MEET SNIFFLES
It was an accident....I saw a sign and thought it would cure my sadness. It may have but I think it is also further proof that I suffer not only from sadness, but complete and total Madness. INSANE I TELL YOU.....INSANE
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