KARMA AND TEARS

Function: noun
Etymology: Sanskrit karma fate, work
1 often capitalized : the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence

I do not believe in Karma. I couldn't possibly. How would I explain everything that has happened to me? I mean, I couldn't have done anything THAT WRONG!!!
I am noticing more and more that I am a very jealous and selfish person....could this be why I had Cancer 3 times?
I remember being engaged to Carly's dad. While we were engaged I got pregnant (Blessing in disguise of a monster). About 3 months into the pregnancy He told me he was cheating on me. This is where I think the jealousy stems from..It is also so hard to ever trust again after something like this has happened to you. I used to wish that the saying "what goes around comes around" was true..Just for his sake. I wanted him to suffer beyond anything I could ever do to him. He is now married w/ two more children.
My brother just found out that he is having his4th baby. It's not that I am not happy for him.....I couldn't be happier for their new edition, but I can't help but wonder Why Not Me? I have known from the second that I had Carly that Mothering is what I wanted to do with my life. I have always known that I am an awesome mom. It comes so naturally. I love doing it, and I knew when the time was right (like when I was older and married) I wanted to have more children. Unfortunately Babies weren't in my future. Cancer was, and all the crap that comes along with it.
Geezz, and to make me feel even worse I am wishing it was me that was pregnant....That is SO a HUGE SIN and I am probably going straight to hell.
Maybe sometime I will know how to end this, but not for now...as I explained earlier, I am feeling way too sorry for myself to make sense of anything right now....Tears, tears, tears

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. ~Albert Smith